Please observe what we Clemson fans have to put up with as supposedly South Carolina’s premiere news publication, The State newspaper. The impetus of this article was the matchup between the University of South Carolina (Known in the state of South Carolina as USC) and the University of Southern California (Known by everyone else in the world as USC) in a men’s basketball game (USC won). Sakerlina fans like to sit around and make excuses (they’re good at that) for why they should be called USC instead of Southern Cal. So far the only decent reason they had is that they were around first. Wow. Congrats. The State, being comprised largely of South Carolina journalism grads and yankees who don’t know any better, decided to create an end-all-be-all list of who’s better.
While I’ve posted the image of the original article, I’ve decided to correct the misguided ways of the State’s editorial staff and give you the truth on each and every point of contention the paper brings up.
Location: Let’s see… sunny California where the silicone abounds and the tans are butter pecan or the sunbaked plateau of the South Carolina midlands where, well, where they have a b-b-q joint where you can get Confederate Flag merchandise… this is a close one, but I’ll agree with The State and say Advantage SoCal.
Weather: “South Carolina, a day off when the white stuff flies” what, when Syvelle drops his bookbag and a brick of yayo busts and floats away with the breeze leaving him and his o-line licking pavement for the next three hours? Try once every two years that snow hits the ground, and more often during freeze warnings. If we’re going by nature’s wrath I think SoCal has earthquakes and those pretty much kick ass. 72 degrees year-round and smog-enhanced Technicolor sunsets or ten months of all heat and humidity and 2 months of sack-shrinking cold? Advantage Socal.
Heisman Trophy Winners: Somehow OJ in the group means that crackhead and known coke dealer to the New Orleans Saints George Rogers trumps 7 Heisman Trophy winners. WTF? Advantage SoCal, even with The Juice.
Mascot: The State claims nothing fake about Cocky, as opposed to people “duped by a wooden horse.” Hey honor students, the horse was fake (not really, if you look at it, it was a trick), not the f*cking Trojans. A goddamned chicken forced to fight by Mexicans and rednecks or a proud warrior race and usually trusty brand of condom? Again, advantage SoCal.
Most Famous Hoops Player: I didn’t even know Alex English was known outside of SC, arguably Cheryl Miller has gotten more press with being on television lately, but hey, I’ll give them this one. Advantage Sakerlina.
Final Fours: Advantage SoCal.
Failed NFL Coach: Spurrier over Carroll? Have they seriously been huffing Testors model paints over there? I’ll take 3 national championships over moral victories and ill-gotten recruits anyday. Advantage SoCal.
National Championships: Holy f*ck, advantage SoCal.
Mike McGee: Mike McGee is a massive douche who, after a notable career as a lineman at Duke, went on to move through more universities in his career than the Gameday crew. I don’t trust a guy who’s list of workplaces needs the fat alligator clips to hold em all together. Advantage: Push, both schools had to pay this prick.
Famous Alums: SoCal has tons of actors, directors, and producers while Carolina has a duo that sounds like a drive-time morning zoo: Hootie n Leeza. Advantage SoCal.
Alums In The Movies Now: They pick the frat boys in Borat over Ferrell because he won’t match the success of Old School. Five f*cking minutes of research would’ve showed that even Elf grossed more than Old School (104 mil domestically versus 77), and I believe that Talladega Nights has been a bigger moneymaker as well. This bulletpoint seriously baffles me. Advantage SoCal.
Kevin Bacon Connection: People are seriously still doing this shit now? Really? I bet the same morons who still do the Six Degrees of KB game also know every episode of Friends by name (both are totally acceptable if you're a chick, but out of line for a man or a newspaper). Again, I’m sure Kevin Bacon has more connections to SoCal due to its location and the sheer number of movie heavyweights the school has produced. Advantage SoCal.
Fashion Sense: Sure, I’ll take you guys’ word for it. Fags. Advantage SoCal.
Local Music Sensation: Hootie or Blink 182. Ouch. Advantage: Push, nobody should have to listen to either group.
There you have it, when you add it up that’s 11 for SoCal, 1 for Sakerlina, with 2 categories thrown to the wind. Winner, and still real USC: The University of Southern California.
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