EXTREME KORN REPORT: OMFG EDITION

INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY, PERFECT FOR EXTREME KORN REPORT.

YOU KNOW THAT PART IN FAST AND FURIOUS (WHICH ONE? SHIT, ANY) WHERE THE ONE EXTREME WIFE-BEATER WEARING KINDA SPANISHY DUDE LOSES HIS CAR IN A BADASS STREET RACE? AND, LIKE, HE’S TORN THE FUCK UP BECAUSE HE JUST LOST HIS SWEET ASS RICER WITH ONE OF THOSE AWESOME LOUD ASS MUFFLERS? MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION AND THAT’S ONE TENTH OF HOW I FEEL TODAY. NOT EXTREME. NOT EXTREME AT ALL, PLANETEERS.

KORN IS….

GOD I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT

REDSHIRTED.

(YOU CAN’T SEE IT BECAUSE IT’S THE INTERNET BUT I JUST SHED A SINGLE TEAR, BECAUSE THAT’S THE MOST YOU CAN CRY WITHOUT BEING A FAG)

THE COACHING STAFF WON’T MENTION IT, BUT THE DEAL IS THIS: KORN WAS THROWING TOUCHDOWN PASSES SO DAMNED HARD THAT HE EXPLODED HIS SHOULDER OR SOME SHIT, AND NOW IS “SUPPOSEDLY” INJURED. WHICH WE KNOW IS A FALLACY BECAUSE HE HAS HEALING POWERS THAT CHUCK NORRIS INTERNET MEMES COULD ONLY DREAM OF ALSO I’M DRUNK.

SO WHY IS KORN HOLDING HIMSELF OUT? HERE ARE SOME POSSIBLE ANSWERS:

1) TO HAVE HIS LAST SEMESTER COINCIDE WITH THE FINAL YEAR OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR (AND PROBABLY THE WORLD) IN 2012.

2) TO HAVE MORE TIME TO READ E.K.R.

3) HE LOST A BET WITH CULLEN HARPER AND HAD TO EITHER KILL HIMSELF OR REDSHIRT. OF COURSE A KORN IS IMMORTAL AND CANNOT KILL ITSELF, IT MUST BE BEHEADED BY ANOTHER KORN, JACKASSES.

4) AIDS

5) THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK.

I DON’T KNOW WHY KORN IS SANDBAGGIN. THEN AGAIN I DON’T TRY AND UNDERSTAND WILLY KORN, THAT’S LITERALLY HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!1!!1!

LOOK, WILLY, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, AND GOD I HOPE YOU ARE, PLEASE WILL YOURSELF HEALED. COME BACK TO US. MY LIFE HAS LOST ALL MEANING. ONLY SWEET, SWEET BOOZE CAN SOOTHE MY SOUL NOW. I HAVEN’T BATHED, I STOPPED GOING TO WORK, MY DIET CONSISTS OF FRIED BALONEY SANDWICHES COVERED IN RAMEN NOODLE SEASONING. CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE… I MEAN SERIOUSLY COMPREHEND… THAT I HAD TO WATCH TRIBBLE FUCKING REESE AT QUARTERBACK? MOTHERFUCKER NAMED AFTER A STAR TRAK EPPY. COME BACK KORN, COME BACK! I'LL SUM UP MY FEELINGS WITH THE FOLLOWING CLIP FROM BLUE VELVET.

CULLEN HARPER? FUCK THAT SHIT. WILLY FUCKIN KORN!

CENTRAL MICHIGAN POSTGAME

In a game that will surely quell the angry hoard's cries for Tommy's head -- temporarily -- the Tigers cockpunched the Chippewas 70-14. The game started slowly with CMU taking a temporary lead of 7-0 by driving the ball down the field with relative ease. The defense stiffened, however, and only allowed one more score on the day and had several turnovers to their credit. The kickoff team is still a little shaky, giving up a 30 or so yard return on the opening boot.

Early stats have the Tigers accruing 656 yards of total offense; 307 in the air and 349 on the ground. Harper was a fantastic 19-21 for 265 yards, 4 touchdowns and just 1 interception. Aaron Kelly led all receivers with 121 yards and 2 touchdowns while rushing was split 112 for Sadat Chambers, 96 for CJ Spiller, and 88 for James Davis. Sadat and CJ had a rushing touchdown each while Davis had two to his credit. Other stats of note show that Clemson only punted once the whole game, Mark Buchholz was perfect on extra points but again was off on a field goal from 48 yards. Another dozen or so missed FGs from that distance and the coaches might get the hint.

The Korn redshirt question continues to linger as Tribble Reese was put in at the end of the game instead of Willy. It looks like the coaches are going to hold Korn out and hope to be able to get a medical redshirt based on his shoulder injury against Furman. If a dire need arises later in the season they could blow his redshirt and put him in. The EKR has its own take on the matter, and we'll get to that later. EKR has been drinking a lot since Korn stopped getting PT, we're all a little concerned. EKR's room in the DFIG offices smells like urine and Busch Light and a tinge of vomit.

Check out the ESPN box score for a more sober review.

EXTREME KORN REPORT

WILLY KORN DID NOT PLAY AGAINST NC STATE.... OR DID HE?

I HAVE WATCHED THE TAPE OF THE GAME LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF TIMES TO MAKE SURE WHETHER OR NOT KORN PLAYED. I MEAN, WE WON BY A TON AND RACKED UP LIKE A BILLION YARDS OF OFFENSE, SO HE HAD TO PLAY... RIGHT? I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN HIM GO IN THE GAME BUT I AM MESMERIZED BY HIS POISE AND STAMINA IN A PLAY RELAYING CAPACITY ON THE SIDELINES.

THERE ARE RUMORS THAT KORN HAD A SEPARATED SHOULDER AND THIS IS WHY HE DIDN'T PLAY BUT I'M PRETTY SURE HIS ARMS ARE MADE OF SOLID PLATINUM, OR MAYBE ADAMANTIUM LIKE WOLVERINE. ONE OF THE TWO DEFINITELY, IF NOT A COMPOSITE OF BOTH.

EKR.... OUTTTTTTT

FURMAN POST GAME THOUGHTS

Clemson 38, Furman 10. Anonymous called 33-7 and is the big winner today.

Clemson's official season motto is "Finish the Job," but a more appropriate motto after the past two games may be "We're passing now, deal with it." Clemson rushed for only 49 yards, but passed for 325 in a mediocre effort against the Furman Paladins.

Thank God we only played Furman today. Had any other team laced up their cleats and set foot in Memorial Stadium, they'd have kicked Clemson's teeth in. Our team lacked tenacity in all aspects of the game. The offensive line was porous on what should be our strong point, the running game. Our defense was like a swinging door, offering no resistance to a Division 1-AA offense. Admittedly Furman ran an offense like a cheap-ass NCAA 08 player - crazy options and going for it almost every 4th down - but for them to outgain us is absurd.

While Cullen Harper (16/19 266, 3 TDs, 0 INTs) and Jimmy Maners (Kicking puts into outer orbit) continued to shine, most every other aspect of the Tigers' game was a disgrace today. This game, more than the first two, showed me that our offensive line needs work. Much was made of our general inexperience on O-line but it didn’t show the first two games. Throughout the second quarter of the Furman game, our offensive line looked passive, their effort barely more than that of our uninspired defense today.The Paladins marched the ball down the field with ease in the second half They had a punt return for touchdown nullified by a penalty that only served notice that our special teams are still a glaring weakness.

Bottom line, if Clemson plays this way against any other team on our schedule, they’ll get their asses handed to them. I'll follow this post up with a more detailed assessment when I find some articles to steal from.




THE DEFENSE MAY HAVE STUNK THE PLACE UP BUT WILLY KORN STEPPED IN AND “RAISED THE ROOF” FIGURATIVELY AGAINST THE FURMAN PALLADIUMS. Willy Mac told me that right after the game WILLY KORN called Tim Tebow on the phone and called him a PUSSY. TEBOW YOU JUST GOT KORNED. I was so inspired and FIRED UP…. INFIRED? by Willy’s performance today that I wrote a small action scene based on his drive in the Furman game. NOT THAT EXTREME… UH… BUT HERE GOES.

[SCENE]

Announcer: ENTERING THE GAME, FROM LYMAN, SC….. WILLY…… KOOOOOOOOOORN
*crowd explodes in applause, panties thrown on field*

Defense: Oh Man, it’s WILLY KORN, I heard that dude melts faces.

WILLY KORN: Yeah, Ima melt ya FACE OFF. The last thing you’re going to see before you die is my BURNING FACE OF DEATH.

Defense: *face melts off* AGGGGGGG! BURNING KORN HEAD OF DEATH! *dies*

WILLY KORN: I’m dedicating this touchdown pass to the memories of those whose faces I melted with my swagger. DEDICATIONNNN TOUCHDOWNNNNNN. *touchdown* [KORN wills in an extra point.]

The ghost of Wille Hutch suddenly appears midfield. The lights, sun dim and a single spotlight shines on the late Mr. Hutch. He begins to sing:

A banner is dropped from the Ring of Honor. WILLY KORN #3 is revealed underneath the banner. AXL ROSE, wearing a KORN jersey and realizing he’s on the Jumbotron now, nods approvingly and gives the camera a thumbs up.

[SCENE]

I think it’s EXTREME. Maybe too EXTREME FOR HOLLYWOOD. The only action scene I’ve ever seen that is better than this is the teahouse shootout scene from Hard Boiled.

If you don’t think this is the MOST EXTREME action sequence EVAR, get the hell off my blog and never come back.

E….K….R…….. OUT.

OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE AWESOMER THAN THEY APPEAR

KORNKOPTER, MOTHERFUCKERS.

CAN YOU FEEL THAT, CULLEN HARPER? Yeah, that's the smell of WILLY KORN'S HOT BREAF on your neck. And I TOTALLY don't mean that in a GAY WAY. According to this newspaper article I didn't have time to read - we have an EXTREME QUARTERBACK KORNTROVERSY!!!!! From what my literate friends tell me, Coach Spence is all like "MAN... KORN IS SO AWESOME, HARPER YOU EAT RAW ASS, KORN LEAD US TO VICTORY!" and Harper was like "STFU, MAN, ALL I DID WAS THROW 5 TOUCHDOWN PASSES" and KORN said "ALL YOUR SNAPS ARE BELONG TO US!" and then they CHUGGED a bunch of ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK and crushed the cans on the heads of orphans. EXPLOSIVO! I don't know about you, but I'm PSYCHED about KORN starting at quarterback. When a school has a quarterback controversy (or KORNTROVERSY, as I call it!!) we all win. THIS IS SO FREAKING EXCITING! Do you see what part of my seat I'm on---- that's right, IT'S THE EDGE!!!!!1!!11!one!!

NEWS AND NOTES

Cullen Harper is clearly a scholar of Lorraine Peterson's seminal treatise on awesomeness. The cover appears to feature a young John Tesh lecturing to the cast of a Sunny D commercial.

- Cullen Harper was named the ACC Offensive Back of the Week for his record-setting outing versus Louisiana-Monroe. After two weeks, only 5 of the 12 ACC teams have had members named All-ACC for any of the six categories. Interestingly, UNC -- 1-1 barely beating James Madison and losing to ECU -- has had 3 players named All-ACC, tied with far better teams BC and GT for most players selected at this point. Clemson has had 2 and UVa has had 1 player named All-ACC for the week.

- One-man Katamari ball James Davis has reiterated his preseason statements that he is almost assuredly going to return for his senior year. In most people's estimation he would be the top running back up for draft after his senior year. Davis states that the only way he'll go pro after this, his junior year, is if he will be a top-3 running back entering the draft, a feat unlikely considering some of the other RBs out there. Davis states his former teammate Gaines Adams' decision to stay for his senior year, a decision that proved prudent and lucrative for the DE, as reason for his desire to complete 4 years in Clemson.

- Davis also is on the record as wanting to see more Willy Korn in the Clemson backfield, but not at the expense of Harper. "I think coach (Tommy Bowden) has to find a way to get that guy on the field some kind of way,” Davis said. “You have to use him as something.” The Extreme Korn Report is reportedly extremely excited and neon about this idea.

- Vic Koenning wants you to tackle a bitch. Tired of players missing tackles in attempting to deliver big hits, Coach Vic is preaching fundamentals. "Wrapping up, stepping on their toes, keeping good bases, keeping their face up, and you’ve got to emphasize those fundamentals," Vic was quoted as saying. Interestingly, this was nearly identical to the first sex advice I ever received. Koenning counted 19 critical missed assignments against La-Monroe, a level of error that would've buried the team against a better opponent.

- Bowden warns Tigers to avoid a Michigan-like screwup. It's important to reiterate this, but seriously, no way this game is close. If Furman is within 10 points I'll eat my shoe.

LOUISIANA-MONROE POST GAME

We could've done a better job at this today, but for our 2nd game in 6 days, not bad.

The Tigers started off slow today but never let up once they got goin', a phrase that sounds like it should be a Bachman-Turner Overdrive song, but that's besides the point. Clemson prevailed with a score of 49-26. Enough of a high scoring game to satisfy those with questions about the Tigers' offensive prowess, but not enough resilience on defense to inspire total confidence in that group. For the official recap of the game check out the ESPN writeup.

Cullen Harper did a fantastic job for the Tigers today, aided by solid blocking from the offensive line. Harper finished an admirable 20/26 for 270 yards and 5 touchdown passes, with no interceptions. He set the individual Clemson single-game record for most touchdown passes with 5, eclipsing the previous record held by 5 other Clemson quarterbacks.

While the running game wasn't exceptional, I'm not really concerned as I would attribute this to the coaches' insistence on not repeating the mistakes of last year and focusing more on the passing game when games are already won. There was a lot of talk over this last week about how infrequently the Tigers honed their passing attack when up on cupcakes last year and I feel this issue was pretty fairly addressed on the field tonight. My only other concern is the ease with which our defense gave up rushing yards, a malady that plagued them last year late in the season.




EXTREME KORN REPORT: Willy Korn absolutely DOMINATED the field, THRASHING the defense with an ASSSSSTOUNDING 49 yards on 6/8 passing, BARRELING through the unworthy and puny defense for a rushing touchdown to cap off a 75 yard POWER DRIVE. HE'S NOT EVEN A RUNNING BACK AND HE RAN FOR A TOUCHDOWN. BALLS. Rumor has it that PRESIDENT BUSH called Willy after the game and congratulated him on his effort. GOD BLESS AMERICA and WILLY KORN. EKR OVER!

One issue I was pretty ticked about has nothing to do with the team itself, but of my ability to watch the team. Of course a gem of a matchup like this one wasn't available on ESPN, ESPN2, CSS, Raycom, or Fox Sports. But, aha, you can always rely on ESPN Game Plan to watch all the games that slip through the cracks. Well, you could if you are in any part of America that doesn't give a crap about the game. The entire Southern region was blacked out. The key region that would want to see the game can't even do so if they pay for it. So, if you can't make it to the game, and you want to watch it at home, and you live anywhere in the south, you can't. Tough. Of course fans should be at the game, but there's no way every Clemson fan can travel to every game.

Minor gripes aside -- and this game was all about minor gripes -- the Tigers played well and won easily. They played around with some things, got lots of playing time for 2nd and 3rd stringers, didn't suffer major injuries, and more than likely got better as a team. It wasn't as much of a blowout as some predicted, but they got the job done.