DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET: VOLUME 6

This week’s column brings a special peek into the strange land of the Fighting Gamecock Forum. In this frightening forum one can witness a world where a national championship season is just a year away, your coach is brighter and more special than the swaddling Baby Jesus, your stadium looks nothing like an upside down cockroach, and your players brutish actions are easily excusable. This is a forum where if you post anything as a Clemson fan or question anything about Sakerlina, you will be immediately banninated. We joke sometimes about the proprietors of Tigernet being overly zealous in deleting of posts, but on FGF, they really don’t mess around.

FGF and Gamecock “football” in general are both a lot like Scientology. Both are pseudoscience bellied by smaller than reported fan bases of delusional quacks who keep out any outside influence that would shatter their false realities and gross misconceptions and treat outsiders who don’t drink their particular brand of Kool-Aid like enemies.

These posts deal, in particular, with the Blake Mitchell suckerpunch situation we dealt with earlier. USC fans have dealt with so many criminal actions by their players to actually assign blame squarely on the charged individual.

This poster is demonstrating the ever popular “Well, some of our other players have acted like drunken morons and broken laws, so it’s okay if this one does it too!” defense. And if you start a sentence "Not making excuses for Blake, but..." well... you're probably making excuses for Blake.

YOU GUYS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF PRESSURE OF BEING A SHITTY QUARTERBACK ON A SHITTY TEAM!!! SPURRIER DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!!! S.O.S. TOLD HIM HE COULDN’T CARRY DANNY WUERFFEL’S JOCKSTRAP!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON???

This one is just thrown in to show that only someone as dumb as a USC fan would actually knowingly use a Lee Corso bit.

Clemson’s fan base can be delusional as well. The fact that we supposedly don’t get enough media coverage, that Gameday hasn’t been here in a minute, or that our signed recruits don’t get enough respect are all attributed to a media conspiracy. This poster is pontificating on the vast conspiracy. The only partial truth here is that, as Clemson lacks a journalism school, the majority of college-educated in-state sportswriters in SC are Gamecocks. Hell, The main paper in SC, The State even operates GoGamecocks.com.

TIGERNET RANDOMNESS

After the FSU victory, Tigernet began its drive for more paying members, asking people to pay up to 79.99 a year to post stupid shit on the board (though there is some interesting and intelligent commentary on the Donor Board, so I hear). So just like with the introduction of lame-ass Zombie Nation to gameday, fans on the board step right in behind the party line and act like yes-men. This poster has some real issues. He claims to get all his worldly information from Tigernet. This is only acceptable if you are holed up in a welded-shut bunker deep below Bumblefuck, South Carolina.

Just like TV, Tigernet gets dumbed down and tamed to make sure no children are exposed to anything naughty. This guy is a known crybaby on the board, and here is signaling for a thread with the word “A$$” in the title to be removed.

I’m not even gonna touch this one, I’m just going to lob it out there for you, just keep in mind this was posted on the football board, not the lounge board, reserved for other topics.

I now present to you the worst wallpaper ever posted on Tigernet. Most of the times one will see a horrendous desktop background that some tasteless Tiger fan will give a point to or a positive comment to, but this post was like a fart in an elevator. It just laid there stinking, and nobody wanted to say a goddamn thing about it for a few minutes until everybody at once pounced on the guy for having the stylistic taste of Idi Amin “Dada.”

The last gem isn’t a Tigernet post but a Google AdSense ad from my G-Mail account. If you don’t know what that is, it’s where Google reads your email and finds key words to which it links targeted advertising. In this case, I think it is making sort of a crude stretch by presuming anyone interested in Three 6 Mafia or Lil John would also be interested in crack abuse. Also I got douche chills from Willy Mac’s awful, MTV-bland, major market act taste in a small segment of rap music. Oh, you like the most quoted rapper out there today and the act that just won an Oscar? Way to hit the obscure acts, you oughta program Deep Tracks on XM with that Dylanesque wide ranging taste in music. I guess it’s better than the alternative of some nerd telling me to try MF Doom or The Roots or godforbid Gnarls Barkley and thinking nobody’s ever heard of them.